hmm

anyone forget how stupid I can be?
let me remind you.

Last night I came to Si Racha. It's very frustrating to not speak Thai in some parts of the country, and so far I have found it, it has been all but Bangkok, and it's frustrating. Also, I don't look Thai, and I get stared at, everywhere, but Bangkok. OK. Stupid farang girl travelling alone. get used to it.

so last night I checked into my guesthouse. 5 bucks. beautiful double room. built above water, on the shore. old. but beautiful wooden structure.
i went out looking for food. came upon a chinese restaurant, not without difficulty ordered some food, and some beer. Sat there nervously smoking, as all of the waitstaff were looking at me, looking at each other and laughing. Got my food. One of the three older men at the next table began speaking to me in English. I was so happy to be able to communicate, that I let my guard down a little. In Bangkok I had learned that you don't talk to Thai men who are being nice to you. It is almost always about taking a taxi somewhere or a tuk-tuk or jewelry sales, but it's always money. That didn't seem to be the case here, so I talked back and laughed and then they invited me to their table and I accepted. We laughed and drank and smoked for a couple of hours. Somebody came by with an elephant that you could feed and pet and i did, and they took pictures. Then they suggested we go to a karaoke bar, and by this point they already asked me to meet them tomorrow at the same time, and I said ok. So I am still not thinking clearly here and I am all... ok let's go... thinking bar... thinking lots of people... thinking...
we go to a hotel looking building and they order a VIP room. The VIP room is a karaoke room. Staff waits outside, refills your beer glasses. Brings snacks. a closed fucking room. I stopped drinking beer. Best be clear headed in a situation already slightly shady. The videos behind the karaoke words got lewder and lewder. They weren't videos, they were footage of white (American) women stripping, dancing, swimming topless, all very suggestive and very sexual. For a while I didn't really pay attention. We sang and it was fun. Then one of these older "gentlemen" began to paw me. Holding my hand, putting his hand on my thigh, and I was moving away, getting up for the bathroom, reaching for a cigarette, pretending to drink my beer, going over to choose another song. I wasn't drunk anymore, and i was nervous. The room was closed. There were 3 men I didn't know in their 40's and 50's, drunk. The staff didn't seem to be friendly to me at all, and I don't speak Thai. The TV screen had very suggestive shit going on on the screen and it was past 12. and my bag was in the car, locked, with all my important shit in it, and we weren't really walking distance from my hotel.
i insisted we go back and i get dropped off. they kept singing and saying just two more songs, one more song,and i kept saying no, i want to go. finally we are walking out of the room, and they go the opposite way of the exit, and i see a sign that says "hotel" and an arrow pointing that way. and i say, no, over here, and i turn around and walk firmly and fast towards the exit.
fuck.
they dropped me off. the one who was pawing me walked me to my hotel. kissed my cheek. they all made me promise i will call them tomorrow. (fuck if i will).

I was just glad to be alive this morning.
and not raped.

sometimes I remember so well why I don't date many men. he vast majority of them make me want to puke.